Finally.

I got past the hump. I got past the 240 plateau. I'm at 232 now.. at least, on a good day. Or a good hour, I should say. Shit, a good minute. I'm weighing pretty often when I'm at home now.. almost every time I'm in the bathroom. I have a calculator that says my weight can fluctuate with water about 6-7 pounds in a day, so I try not to freak when I hop on the scale and it's back up to 240. But I always end up telling the scale to fuck off anyway. Literally.

I also lost an inch and a half. I think that was in a week and a half, maybe 2 weeks.

TMI, but it's getting a little difficult to poop. That's all I'll say on that.

Oh, and I'm full on Ana now. Except Sundays.. I keep that a Mia day because I do love to binge and purge. I don't try to maintain on weekdays anymore. I'm not going to lie.. I like food, and I like to purge, but the high I get from a fast is like no other. It's so much more comfortable for me to just go the day without eating than it is for me to make myself get down at least 800 cals. I usually go all day and have a small protein and veggie filled meal at night, and on Sundays I binge. Sometimes I start my binge late Saturday night. I try not to feel bad, cause I know it helps to keep up my metabolism, but I end up purging anyway. I just love to purge. Love.

Monday I plan on starting a fast, and going at least 48 hours. Love the hunger high.. so excited for it. Yea, the rules are out. The only rule now is that I'm not allowed to purge more than twice a week.

So that's what's going on with this MiAna. I know no one reads this yet, but it helps me. I feel less alone. I'm a little scared, but I don't feel like I can stop now.

Maintaining is gross.

Today was maintenance day. I felt so gross. Last night, I slept at a friend's house and binged on popcorn, beef jerky, and goldfish. I'm disgusted with myself. The scale isn't budging. But it'll pay off.. tomorrow is fast day (:

Whoops (but not)

I have a rule that says I can't fast for longer than 24 hours. So "fast days" are actually just days when I extend my fast from the day before until dinner and only eat like 200-400 calories. I do that because I don't want to burn out and binge after a long fast.. I've done that before.
Today, I got over zealous. I stopped eating yesterday at 6pm and haven't eaten a bite since then. I'm pretty damn proud of myself, but I do have to say that I'm gonna have to promise myself not to do this again cause it's a slippery slope. My mom had made some mac and cheese and chicken for dinner and I was really close to having some, but I gave the mac and cheese to the dog and saved the chicken for tomorrow instead. My fast will extend tomorrow until I get off work as or always does, so that'll be 44 hours. Longest I've gone that I can remember, except possibly when I was on meth, but that doesn't count, cause it took no will power.

So, while I broke my rule, basically.. sorrynotsorry.

Back on track tomorrow.

It's not even hard.

It's not hard to not eat. When all I think about all day long is how I'm going to manage eating enough calories just to maintain on a deficit day, it's not hard to not eat. Today, I made myself sick just eating a bowl of veggies and beef broth. I almost had to go purge, but I stopped myself knowing it's good calories.

I didn't get to work out today. I usually walk my dogs and do HIIT, but today was just jam packed. I didn't even get to dance, cause I have work so early tomorrow.. I had to wind down early.

Decided to add on another fast day. I just can't risk starting to gain back weight at this crucial time. This fast day is on Thursdays, so it's not used to make up for a binge/purge, just to fast. I'm also extending my overnight fasts on deficit days all the way until I get off work, which is usually no later than 2pm. Earliest I eat is noon. This doesn't make sense to some Anas who think breakfast and lots of tiny meals is important, but working on a completely empty stomach is so vital for me. I've read that it actually doesn't affect your metabolism to have one meal vs. several small meals. As long as I stop eating before 6 or 7pm, I'm good. My food is digested by the time I go to sleep. And I end up eating a LOT less the longer I put off having my first meal.

Anyway, I'm freaking out a little. I'm stuck at the same weight. Of course, it has only been a day. So. I guess I should chill. I weigh myself just about every time I enter the fucking bathroom.

I will be thin.
Miana will help me.

Yuck.

Well, fellow EDs, I'm at the lowest weight I can remember being for a very long time. Probably since high school. And that's absolutely horrifying and disgusting. The good news is, I've lost 4 lbs since my last entry. The bad news is, I'm still morbidly obese. But I WILL BE THIN.

Today, I fasted. I decided that Mondays will be a major fast day in relation to my deficit days, to make up for my Sunday maintenance day, which includes a binge/purge. Anyone who does their research knows you don't really get rid of all the calories from a binge with a purge. So, Mondays are a fast day. My coworkers had Thai, and I was planning on just skipping out altogether, but the friend I had been with all day (knew I hadn't eaten a bit) insisted on getting me something, so I opted for stir fried veggies with peanut sauce, and it all came to less than 300 calories according to my counter app. I was a bit panicky, so I really just picked at the plate because I was afraid that I'd be eating more than the counter was actually counting. So, I successfully got through that, and haven't eaten the rest of today. I downloaded thinspo pictures half the day just to get me through the fast, since today is the first day I've actually made it through a full day of less than 500 cals since I've given up binge/purge everyday. I was actually late for an appointment because I lost track of time looking at pictures. But it served its purpose. This morning, I did a little HIIT, and tonight, I danced in my room for a while. Burned a couple hundred cals. I loved exercising on an empty stomach. Anyone ever take cayenne capsules on an empty stomach? It makes it feel even more empty, like it's eating itself.. like you can feel yourself burning fat. It's insane. I love feeling hungry.

My main purpose in writing today's blog is to say this: this is usually where I start gaining back weight. I'm scared. I've got to double my efforts. While I'm proud of myself and I keep a before and after picture on one of my home screens, I also have lots of pictures of my gross problem areas. My entire lack of thigh gap. Like, there is literally none. At all. My arm flab. It hangs and juggles. Gross. My stomach flab. Its disgusting. It's my least favorite part about me. My double chin. My butt, how much more toned it needs to be. My collar bones and how much more I want them to show. I feel them all day long. I can't even see any hip bone. My legs are flabby. Everything is just fat. So much fat. I need it gone. I hate seeing myself, not just in the mirror, but anywhere. Just looking down at myself. Seeing my legs. Feeling my stomach. Feeling out of breath when I need to jog somewhere. I hate myself. I want to like myself. I want to be thin.

Disordered Eating

EDNOS: Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Can be defined as bulimic behavior without the frequency or duration of binge/purge episodes required for diagnosis, anorexic behavior in individuals at a normal weight or who have regular periods, or the dreaded binge eating disorder or compulsive overeating. What am I? All of the above. Except, I've finally kicked binge eating in favor of Ana and Mia, my current best buds. This blog is my ode to them.. my suffering, my obsession, my unwillingness to change, my progress.

I don't do all the same things as other anas and mias do.. I follow my own specific plan to a tee, and I'm posting it now to hold myself accountable.

This is the plan. You will stick to it, or you are weak. There will be no more purging everyday. There will be no more binging everyday. It's not acceptable. So this is the plan, and you will do it.

You will exercise in the morning before you eat. You will take your supplements.

You will fast all morning. You will feel the fat melting away with your hunger. You will love that feeling of hunger.

Break the fast at 12: peanut butter. Prepare it with fiber and chia and bring it to work with you if you'll be at work or out past noon.
Lunch as soon as you get home: protein smoothie. Add any carbs you want to add on maintenance days, but no extra carbs after this meal. This can be done at the same time as your peanut butter.. 2 meals a day is acceptable with intermittent fasting.
Walk the dogs after lunch.
Take your supplements on an empty stomach, two hours before or after your lunch, depending on when you eat it. Make absolutely sure you take your nap on an empty stomach.
Take your meds before the meeting.
Dinner at 5: salad/veggies, tuna/chicken/salmon, eggs. Oh, the options (:

Then, you fast for 18 hours. Repeat.
It's ok if you fast for longer, MiAna queen. It's ok to fast for a full 24. But that's it. That's as long as you can go.

NEVER EAT AFTER THE MEETING.
NEVER EAT IN YOUR ROOM.
These are not negotiable!

Workout in the gym when you can. You can only do pre workout when going to the gym. Dance like an idiot in your room at night and try to sweat a lot.

You cannot eat anything outside of this meal plan on deficit days, because you will purge and you know it. You will most likely binge which means you'll purge. Whatever it is, it can wait until maintenance day.

Sundays, B/P if you feel the need. You'll probably feel the need. Overcooked pasta and ice cream. Nothing else. Only Sundays. Sundays only. That's it. Count half the calories of what you purge.

Follow maintenance days based on Venus schedule.. menu is to be planned ahead of time or you risk binging. You know this.

Rinse and repeat every week (:

This is what I do, and this is what works for me. That's my plan.

This is my story.

I'm a former compulsive over eater.. considered morbidly obese.
I was at my highest weight when I relapsed (I'm a drug addict), and found methamphetamine during the relapse.
I switched disorders without really trying, because meth worked for me, and then took everything from me. I had a taste of losing the weight quick, and I didn't wanna gain it back. So I decided I was done being fat. I refused to go back.

In the process, I became addicted to purging, because I still couldn't stop binging. I don't want to purge everyday, but I refuse to go back to where I was.
My goals are not extreme, but I will do whatever it takes to get to them, and to never ever go back to where I was. And if I'm not happy when I get there, I will adjust.
Note: I have a lot of muscle weight as well.

Ht. 5'8"
HW 300
CW 242
GW1 180
GW2 160
UGW 140

This is the beginning.