Yuck.

Well, fellow EDs, I'm at the lowest weight I can remember being for a very long time. Probably since high school. And that's absolutely horrifying and disgusting. The good news is, I've lost 4 lbs since my last entry. The bad news is, I'm still morbidly obese. But I WILL BE THIN.

Today, I fasted. I decided that Mondays will be a major fast day in relation to my deficit days, to make up for my Sunday maintenance day, which includes a binge/purge. Anyone who does their research knows you don't really get rid of all the calories from a binge with a purge. So, Mondays are a fast day. My coworkers had Thai, and I was planning on just skipping out altogether, but the friend I had been with all day (knew I hadn't eaten a bit) insisted on getting me something, so I opted for stir fried veggies with peanut sauce, and it all came to less than 300 calories according to my counter app. I was a bit panicky, so I really just picked at the plate because I was afraid that I'd be eating more than the counter was actually counting. So, I successfully got through that, and haven't eaten the rest of today. I downloaded thinspo pictures half the day just to get me through the fast, since today is the first day I've actually made it through a full day of less than 500 cals since I've given up binge/purge everyday. I was actually late for an appointment because I lost track of time looking at pictures. But it served its purpose. This morning, I did a little HIIT, and tonight, I danced in my room for a while. Burned a couple hundred cals. I loved exercising on an empty stomach. Anyone ever take cayenne capsules on an empty stomach? It makes it feel even more empty, like it's eating itself.. like you can feel yourself burning fat. It's insane. I love feeling hungry.

My main purpose in writing today's blog is to say this: this is usually where I start gaining back weight. I'm scared. I've got to double my efforts. While I'm proud of myself and I keep a before and after picture on one of my home screens, I also have lots of pictures of my gross problem areas. My entire lack of thigh gap. Like, there is literally none. At all. My arm flab. It hangs and juggles. Gross. My stomach flab. Its disgusting. It's my least favorite part about me. My double chin. My butt, how much more toned it needs to be. My collar bones and how much more I want them to show. I feel them all day long. I can't even see any hip bone. My legs are flabby. Everything is just fat. So much fat. I need it gone. I hate seeing myself, not just in the mirror, but anywhere. Just looking down at myself. Seeing my legs. Feeling my stomach. Feeling out of breath when I need to jog somewhere. I hate myself. I want to like myself. I want to be thin.